Monday, June 20, 2011

Of 6 months, 20 days, 20 hours.

Over the years, seeing those years of animals celebrated in association with CNY, I kinda got excited about the year of the Rabbit - my year. I don't take it to heart, of course. These things, like the zodiac, are just fun elements for me. I obviously don't believe that such things would determine the kind of person you are, or the kind of life you'll live. But it's really fun to read!

So, finally, year 2011 came.........Year of the Rabbit! I was ecstatic, looking to see what they say about this year, what sort of fun it offers, etc.

And then it happened. "Something has changed within me, something is not the same....". The year started with a bang. It came out of nowhere. A bang so loud and sharp it pierced right to the heart.......but it didn't go through. It stayed there......for minutes.......hours.....days....and months. It didn't leave me. And it hurts. Deep. I felt the pain every minute, from the moment I wake up to the time I close my eyes for the night.

I carried the pain to work, to the mall, to lunches, dinners, not because I wanted to, but because I can't figure out how to box it and throw it off a cliff somewhere.'d think all that Alias watching would've have made me better at compartmentalizing. Apparently not. Soon after, I started noticing a bigger change. I did things I'd never done before. I said things and react in the most bizarre way. I was the opposite of me. I became the very person I'd hate. I became them.

Things I've always been sure about, I wasn't certain about anymore. And it was difficult to figure out where I was, where I stood and where I should've gone. What I wanted, or needed? Don't even go there....I just didn't know.

But I didn't give in. I resisted, as much as I could, trying to justify and rationalize every thought; what's good and what's bad, right and wrong. I resisted. And then came mid February and I met up with a good friend I've not seen for quite a while. During our conversation, we got to talking about life, friends and how hard things are at times. And without first realizing it, I started feeling better. It was almost like a knock on the head, really. That sudden realization that this problem I had, this pain, is not the only problem in the world. Others have it tough too, if not worse. So it took away this anxiety, this, constant 'why me, why now' questions I've been focusing so much on asking. and it made my heart lighter. At least for a bit.

By the time March arrived, I was feeling a lot better. The pain had almost been lifted in its entirety, with only some trace left, small enough to ignore. Being around good friends and family helped a lot. Celebrations didn't hurt too :P

As the month progressed, I felt no more pain. It was hard to believe, really. There were times when I tried to dig in, trying to see if I could feel it again somewhere in there, but it was gone. I wasn't's just that....for it to just be gone completely, when only weeks before, it was the only constant thing I felt. It was....surreal.

Several more things took place between April and June, some good, some not so good. But the year seemed to be getting fine again.....with only occasional sighting of dark shadows (no, I'm not talking about ghost guys, so stop there).

Now, in the mid year, I'm back to the me I know. Things are more in place than out. Things are good. Things are fine. I'm back and I'm happy.

But my perspective has changed, somewhat. For good.