Of judgment, perception and reality

Today, while having dinner with a few buddies, I caught myself passing judgment on people. Well, 1 specific person actually.

They were talking about Angelina Jolie's recent preventive mastectomy, and how tough and painful it must have been for her to have made such decision. And my first thought (to myself) was "well, it's shouldn't be too bad for her, since she has had such great and successful life all this years".

That's when I caught myself. I judged her. I did so, perhaps due to the fact that I perceive her life to be so good all this while. I mean, that's a fact right? She's Angelina Jolie, wife of Brad Pitt and mother to his children. She's a superstar. Life couldn't possibly be that hard for her. Or is that a perception?

Like when Mariah Carey had that meltdown decades ago. My response was similar - "Please, what is there to break down from? Stardom? How bad can it be?". But the reality is, I know nothing about her life. Nothing truly personal anyway.

But over the years, I've learned. I know better now. I know that pain is pain. It has no relevance to other parts of life, its success, or how great everything else seem to go. When you experience loss, failure, rejection, disappointment, or anything else that breaks our heart, we experience pain. And at that specific moment, the pain has no relevance to all other things in our life.

Whoever we are, whatever we've done, however life has been. Pain is pain. No more no less.

So yes, I owe Angelina Jolie and Mariah Carey an apology. But since I don't have their address, emails or tweeter account, i think writing it here is more than sufficient. Am pretty sure they wouldn't mind ;)

For the record, I applaud Angelina Jolie for what I believe, is a beautiful act of selflessness, which most probably stemmed from her love towards her family. Your courage is astounding. And it makes you even more beautiful as a human being than you already are.

I'm glad I caught myself today.

Of loud silence

It's been 2 weeks that I've retreated into my cave. It kinda surprises me, the fact that I haven't felt the urge to step out again....................but it's also a welcomed relief.

Life can get really noisy at times.

And yet there's a silence.

A loud silence in the middle of all that noise.

It wraps around you.

You can't see it but you feel it.

You can't come out of it.

No sound can overcome it.

Not even all that noise that surrounds you.

All you can do, all you could do...................is wait.

And so I wait.

Of change and staying the same

"The more things change, the more they stay the same".

I came across this quote a while back and found it to be quite thought provoking. I mean, at first glance, how could it be? How can things that have changed be the same? It sounds Oxymoronic, really.

But I get it now.

You may end a thing, start another, obtain certain things, let go of some others, diminish something and emerge as some other. But in the end, you're right where you started. Same spot, same footing, same longing.

Hmmmm.............the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Need to find myself some better, more interesting quotes.

Positive ones wouldn't hurt either.

Of 6 months, 20 days, 20 hours.

Over the years, seeing those years of animals celebrated in association with CNY, I kinda got excited about the year of the Rabbit - my year. I don't take it to heart, of course. These things, like the zodiac, are just fun elements for me. I obviously don't believe that such things would determine the kind of person you are, or the kind of life you'll live. But it's really fun to read!

So, finally, year 2011 came.........Year of the Rabbit! I was ecstatic, looking to see what they say about this year, what sort of fun it offers, etc.

And then it happened. "Something has changed within me, something is not the same....". The year started with a bang. It came out of nowhere. A bang so loud and sharp it pierced right to the heart.......but it didn't go through. It stayed there......for minutes.......hours.....days....and months. It didn't leave me. And it hurts. Deep. I felt the pain every minute, from the moment I wake up to the time I close my eyes for the night.

I carried the pain to work, to the mall, to lunches, dinners, not because I wanted to, but because I can't figure out how to box it and throw it off a cliff somewhere. Hmm.....you'd think all that Alias watching would've have made me better at compartmentalizing. Apparently not. Soon after, I started noticing a bigger change. I did things I'd never done before. I said things and react in the most bizarre way. I was the opposite of me. I became the very person I'd hate. I became them.

Things I've always been sure about, I wasn't certain about anymore. And it was difficult to figure out where I was, where I stood and where I should've gone. What I wanted, or needed? Don't even go there....I just didn't know.

But I didn't give in. I resisted, as much as I could, trying to justify and rationalize every thought; what's good and what's bad, right and wrong. I resisted. And then came mid February and I met up with a good friend I've not seen for quite a while. During our conversation, we got to talking about life, friends and how hard things are at times. And without first realizing it, I started feeling better. It was almost like a knock on the head, really. That sudden realization that this problem I had, this pain, is not the only problem in the world. Others have it tough too, if not worse. So it took away this anxiety, this, constant 'why me, why now' questions I've been focusing so much on asking. and it made my heart lighter. At least for a bit.

By the time March arrived, I was feeling a lot better. The pain had almost been lifted in its entirety, with only some trace left, small enough to ignore. Being around good friends and family helped a lot. Celebrations didn't hurt too :P

As the month progressed, I felt no more pain. It was hard to believe, really. There were times when I tried to dig in, trying to see if I could feel it again somewhere in there, but it was gone. I wasn't complaining.....it's just that....for it to just be gone completely, when only weeks before, it was the only constant thing I felt. It was....surreal.

Several more things took place between April and June, some good, some not so good. But the year seemed to be getting fine again.....with only occasional sighting of dark shadows (no, I'm not talking about ghost guys, so stop there).

Now, in the mid year, I'm back to the me I know. Things are more in place than out. Things are good. Things are fine. I'm back and I'm happy.

But my perspective has changed, somewhat. For good.

Of old friends, road trip and Beyonce

Wa or Wawa or Salmah or Salwa

Fit or Nur

Hadi (sorry buddy, your nicknames are too fancy for print :P )

I had the chance to catch up with 3 ex-schoolmates today. We met at Pizza Hut (there are only 2 fast food outlets here in Kuala Kangsar, the other one being KFC). Yes, that's right, not even a McDonalds.

Something you should know about us (not just us 4, but for the whole school gang) is that we're loud. We've always been, and I doubt it'll change anytime soon. So, even though there were only 2 other tables occupied on the upper floor, I bet it sounded like the floor was full. Haha.

Many things came up during the chat but the one that took the cake must have been the one about some Datin who's so rich, she once bought a luxury handbag by cutting ahead of Beyonce in a queue (by doubling the amount of money the singer was paying for it). LOL! If you want details, ask Hadi, not me :)

At one point, Wa mentioned about a tasty Char Kuey Tiaw Doli in Taiping, so we changed Hadi's plan of going to Ipoh for a movie into a dinner road trip to Taiping instead. Fit couldn't go so it was just us 3 in Hadi's car, along the old road to Taiping (I still prefer the highway Hadi!).

When we finally got there, after a couple of wrong turns around Taman Tasik, we saw this written on the roller shutter - "We are open everyday except Friday". And of course today's Friday. Joy. Wa totally made up for it though, by introducing us to the infamous Yong Tau Foo Sotong Kangkong, located near the Doli place. It was awesome! Judging by the big crowd, I'd say this place is very popular. Highly recommended when you're in Taiping. It's near the Taman Tasik Bomba Station.

I'm thinking all future get-together should incorporate a food road trip!

Of here and now

Someone I know quoted Oprah yesterday -

"I believe that there's almost no situation that I can't handle, and it is whatever it is. I can just sort of meld into whatever that moment is. I believe in staying present, staying now, dealing with that and not worrying about what is to come."

While there may be situations which I can't exactly handle, it's that third sentence that really caught my attention. I do tend to over-think things at times. ANALyze, if you will. And it's funny (read:tragic) how your mind keeps moving towards the bad side of things, when you think too much about it (and I should really know this already, I was taught NEVER to analyze, back in the direct selling days).

So now I'm reminded that I need to stay in the present. Stay here, and now. And do what's right, right now. And see how it goes from there to the next day, and then to the next, and then to the ..(well you get the idea).

And if it doesn't work, I'll analyze it some more. Oops! That's thinking about it eh? No,no.....I shall have none of that.

I suppose then it's a good thing that I can still tell right from wrong, good from bad.

Thanks to Chris for sharing the quote, when he did.

Of change and the human heart

Is it possible for one, being an adult, having shaped and formed life-long preferences and habits, to just one day change?

Can a control freak suddenly change and totally lose control?

Can someone so well-planned have a sudden change of heart and decide to go with the flow?

Can one who was always in control of one's emotion, needs and wants, gets hit with feelings of helplessness, uncertainty and constant anxiety?

Can one's mind just one day abandons logic and reasoning and gives way to the matter of the heart?

Can one's heart just do whatever it pleases?

Can it?

Is one not to have control over it?

Should one even try?

I love asking questions....... :P