Of thieves, dolls and a wicked nurse

For the past few weeks, I have been watching several TV series on DVDs. Most of them, I like, others are, well, average.

Hawthorne - I've always been a fan of Jada Pinkett Smith ever since I saw Set it Off, but this series took a long while before it pulls me in. And then it let me go again. There are some really good sad scenes, but seriously lacking funny moments. And then there's the hair. Big. Way too big.

Party Down - This one's cool. Quirky lines and characters. Half-an-hour episodes packed with cool scenes and bad (as in good) lines! Soup and Crackers anyone?

Leverage - I liked this one right away from the pilot episode. I especially like Parker (cool name for a girl!). They've got some cool mission too, it reminds me of some scenes from Alias (Hope J.J. Abrams make a movie out of it one day!)

Dollhouse - Eliza Dushku rocks!!! I liked Tru Calling, but it got cancelled. And after a couple of episodes, especially after seeing Sierra in action, I got hooked on this too! And then came the news............................CANCELLED!! Bloody hell. But at least we'll get to see season two. Not sure what good that'll do though, knowing the excitement will be short-lived.

Nurse Jackie - Now this one's oozing with fun!! I cracked a laugh (big one!) early on in the pilot episode. Crazy (not mental crazy.....or maybe a little bit) , drug-dependant chief nurse who's married at home, and single at work. And a killer character in the form of a student nurse, clad in pink uniform, trailing Jackie and kept wanting to give her a hug. Classic fun! Well, my kinda fun anyway. The whole first season is filled with lots of scenes and lines that are funny, sad, quirky (there's that word again), evil, and bloody (well it does take place in a hospital!).

And Nurse Jackie scores!! and she snorts!! Hahaha!!!

Of making friends, losing them and missing games

I haven't written in a while. Been meaning to, but could never get my fingers to tap on the right keys. I'd call it a writer's block, except, I'm not a writer. So let's just settle for good ol' lazyness.

Over the last few months, a lot has taken place. I've discovered that I had to give up one thing or another. It's not easy, but then, life never is. The ground rules in the real world is never like the ones you set in class. So, while I make new friends, I had to let some go :(

I also went through an angry phase. I was really mad towards certain party's behaviors, in retrospect. But I've calmed down since. But the feeling is not all lost......just laying dormant for now......waiting.

On a lighter-but-still-not-happy note, I've been missing my badminton game for the most part of the year. Not good! Not good at all! It started with the elbow injury / torn muscle thing, and then made worse by my work trips, which will continue till year end. So I suppose by the time I pick that racket of mine up again, it'll be post new year toast. It's so depressing.

I need a hug.......

The Change

It was my 4th night in dark solitude and I was listening to a string of songs with my W902 when the song The Change came on. I have loved Garth Brooks songs ever since I saw The Thunder Rolls on tv back in my school days.

But I didn't know about this song until about a year back, when I bought The Ultimate Hits album.

My heart feels a little heavy every time I hear this song:

One hand reaches out and pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more go unspoken for
They say what good have you done
By saving just this one
It's like whispering a prayer in the fury of a storm

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

This heart still believes that love and mercy still exist
While all the hatreds rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this
It's like trying to stop a fire
With a mosture from a kiss

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me

As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone

And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world we know
Never changes me

What I do is so
This world will know
That it will not change me

Of procrastination, black out and camping out

I was in Kuching since Wednesday this week and had just got back to KL today. As usual, the first thing I did as I enter my apartment was to switch on the fan. The fan didn't move. And so I flicked the switched again. and again. and then again. Nothing. I went out and saw the neighbors lights switched on. I said to myself "It can't be the bill cos payment was done earlier this week".

So I went to the management office to check. The lady behind the counter asked "Have you changed your meter to your name?" I said "No". She then said "The developer has instructed TNB to remove your meter and now you have to go to TNB and make the name change" After many Q&A later, I resigned to the fact that there's nothing this lady can do to help me, and the only solution is to go to TNB and do just what she said to me.

I called the developer's office, asking how come I wasn't informed about the drastic action that was gonna take place, the man on the line said there were. After several Q&A later, I realized it was going nowhere and I just have to go to TNB office. So I bought RM10 setem hasil, photocopied my IC and flew to TNB. I got there a few minutes late. The door was locked, the counter was closed. And the guy with the gun wasn't gonna let me in even after I half-begged him. That was that.

Since the office is closed on weekend, I will now brave the next 3 (or more, depending on how long it'll take them to re-connect the meter) nights in darkness. Without A/C. Without TV. Without DVDs. Sigh.

I was mad and angry, and I eventually realized that I should be angry at myself. Cos this was all me. My product. I procrastinated. Like I always do. And I frakking hate it.

I'm writing this post at Starbucks GEM; 2 Iced Venti Passion Tea and counting.

Bought candles and am gonna spend my nights in solitude and self-reflect.

Or I might just go and watch movies now till Sunday night!!!

Will I ever learn???

Of Yasmin Ahmad

I was at Delucca last night with Jazzy and Azhar, watching Chandra performing on stage with Zailan Razak Project. It was great seeing Chandra perform again after seeing him last at The Alexis bistro in Ampang.

Mid-performance, Zailan made an announcement, and asked us, the audience, to dedicate a moment of silence in respect of Yasmin Ahmad's passing. The news was heart-breaking. And it still is.

I have not seen Yasmin's past movies (regrettably) but I did catch Talentime when it was showing at MBO Ampang with Wan. The movie was deeply moving and heartfelt and it left me in tears. And then there are those tv adverts which, as short as it was, touched the very core of emotions, reminding us of the importance of giving and loving without judgement, which is often overlooked and forgotten.

Kita hanya mampu merancang, Tuhan penentu segala. Semoga roh mu dicucuri rahmat Allah (s.w.t.)

The song Pergi will always remind me of you:

Sayu, terpisah
Hikayat indah kini hanya tinggal sejarah
Berhembus angin rindu
Begitu nyamannya terhidu wangian kasihmu

Hujan lebat mencurah kini
Bagaikan tiada henti
Kaulah laguku - kau irama terindah
Tak lagi ku dengari
kau pergi......pergi

Sepi, tanpa kata
Terdiam dan kaku tak daya kau ku lupa
Apapun kata mereka
Biarkan kenangan berbunga di ranting usia

Of talking it out, iced coffee and control

I met a friend for a drink today at Pavilion after work and we got to talking about a couple of stuff. I ordered an iced grande 5 pump caramel coffee - my all-time favorite. and no, it's not nearly as complicated as it sounds.

At one point during the chat, I had the feeling of dejavu. I could hear myself saying the same thing I always say in similar conversations in the past. "I think you should talk about it". I realized that I say this a lot. and i mean a lot. a-little-too-much a lot. I say it to death a lot. Ok, you got the idea. The reason I do this is because I truly believe that talking things out is one of the best ways to sort things out. Obviously you're not gonna magically fix everything just by talking, but it will give you an insight to a deeper sense of a mutual understanding. Maybe not every single time, but I'm convinced that you'll discover more, good or bad. And I do this a lot. I'm very accustomed to talking things out with people I work with, friends and family and am glad to say that it more often worked than not. So I guess am gonna stay a fan of talking things out for a while longer, at least. Hehehe.....

I also think that talking things out kinda gives you control. Cos the more you know, the more informed you become. And knowledge is power! Well at least that's what's written on most school walls...hehe. But control can also be messy. I'm sure everybody appreciate a certain sense of freedom. But we also like being in control don't we? In the end, I think it boils down to our willingness to accommodate and compromise. But nobody, nobody at all, should force us to accommodate or compromise. It should be our own birth right.

Except for LOVE. Cos LOVE aint' just a nobody.

The Reader

I finally got around to seeing this movie and I find it to be a great story.

I've always had a penchant for movies that are sad and moving. Well I obviously am a big fan of lots of movie genres, but movies like this one would evoke those deep thoughts and feelings, one of them being empathy. And I do think that empathy has a lot to do with it, empathy for the characters. If you have this, then you'd enjoy movies more often than not.

Hanna Schmitz once helped a boy in need. A 15 year old. An affair ensues - the boy would read to her, after and/or before you-know-what. But she disappeared one day. Years after, when the boy was in college studying law, he observed a trial of 6 female prison guards of an old war camp, one of which is Hanna Schmitz. Hana and the others are apparently responsible for the deaths of 300 prisoners who died in a fire back in those days.

Throughout the trial, Hanna's answers made her appear naive, ignorant and honest, but the revelation came when Hanna chose to claim responsibility as the leader of the guards rather than letting people know that she can't read and write.

This is where questions come in. Why, would anyone in their right mind, choose life imprisonment over self pride? But then I guess it wasn't pride. It was shame. A sense of shame so deeply rooted within the soul that makes it impossible to admit. And it surely wasn't all shame. Surely there was fear. Fear of consequences. But how can that be? How is it possible to comprehend that consequences of one's admission towards one's inabilities could outweigh consequences of admission for murder?

Whatever Hanna's reasons were, she stood by her decision, even as she shook when the sentence was read in court - guilty of murders on 300 counts - life imprisonment.

Micheal (the boy), now realizing that she's illiterate, sends recordings of his voice reading from some of the books he used to read to Hanna for her to listen to in jail. And this act of kindness (and empathy if I might add) breathes life into Hanna and eventually motivated her to learn to read, and then to write.

On her release day, Michael came to collect her and was informed that she had hang herself in her cell. "She never packed. She never planned to leave" said the guard. But I think she did. She did want to leave the place. Until she found out that there was nothing (or no one) waiting for her outside that prison wall. Until Michael said to her "I wasn't sure what you've learned".

A little empathy could have saved her.