Of judgment, perception and reality

Today, while having dinner with a few buddies, I caught myself passing judgment on people. Well, 1 specific person actually.

They were talking about Angelina Jolie's recent preventive mastectomy, and how tough and painful it must have been for her to have made such decision. And my first thought (to myself) was "well, it's shouldn't be too bad for her, since she has had such great and successful life all this years".

That's when I caught myself. I judged her. I did so, perhaps due to the fact that I perceive her life to be so good all this while. I mean, that's a fact right? She's Angelina Jolie, wife of Brad Pitt and mother to his children. She's a superstar. Life couldn't possibly be that hard for her. Or is that a perception?

Like when Mariah Carey had that meltdown decades ago. My response was similar - "Please, what is there to break down from? Stardom? How bad can it be?". But the reality is, I know nothing about her life. Nothing truly personal anyway.

But over the years, I've learned. I know better now. I know that pain is pain. It has no relevance to other parts of life, its success, or how great everything else seem to go. When you experience loss, failure, rejection, disappointment, or anything else that breaks our heart, we experience pain. And at that specific moment, the pain has no relevance to all other things in our life.

Whoever we are, whatever we've done, however life has been. Pain is pain. No more no less.

So yes, I owe Angelina Jolie and Mariah Carey an apology. But since I don't have their address, emails or tweeter account, i think writing it here is more than sufficient. Am pretty sure they wouldn't mind ;)

For the record, I applaud Angelina Jolie for what I believe, is a beautiful act of selflessness, which most probably stemmed from her love towards her family. Your courage is astounding. And it makes you even more beautiful as a human being than you already are.

I'm glad I caught myself today.

Of loud silence

It's been 2 weeks that I've retreated into my cave. It kinda surprises me, the fact that I haven't felt the urge to step out again....................but it's also a welcomed relief.

Life can get really noisy at times.

And yet there's a silence.

A loud silence in the middle of all that noise.

It wraps around you.

You can't see it but you feel it.

You can't come out of it.

No sound can overcome it.

Not even all that noise that surrounds you.

All you can do, all you could do...................is wait.

And so I wait.

Of change and staying the same

"The more things change, the more they stay the same".

I came across this quote a while back and found it to be quite thought provoking. I mean, at first glance, how could it be? How can things that have changed be the same? It sounds Oxymoronic, really.

But I get it now.

You may end a thing, start another, obtain certain things, let go of some others, diminish something and emerge as some other. But in the end, you're right where you started. Same spot, same footing, same longing.

Hmmmm.............the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Need to find myself some better, more interesting quotes.

Positive ones wouldn't hurt either.

Of 6 months, 20 days, 20 hours.

Over the years, seeing those years of animals celebrated in association with CNY, I kinda got excited about the year of the Rabbit - my year. I don't take it to heart, of course. These things, like the zodiac, are just fun elements for me. I obviously don't believe that such things would determine the kind of person you are, or the kind of life you'll live. But it's really fun to read!

So, finally, year 2011 came.........Year of the Rabbit! I was ecstatic, looking to see what they say about this year, what sort of fun it offers, etc.

And then it happened. "Something has changed within me, something is not the same....". The year started with a bang. It came out of nowhere. A bang so loud and sharp it pierced right to the heart.......but it didn't go through. It stayed there......for minutes.......hours.....days....and months. It didn't leave me. And it hurts. Deep. I felt the pain every minute, from the moment I wake up to the time I close my eyes for the night.

I carried the pain to work, to the mall, to lunches, dinners, not because I wanted to, but because I can't figure out how to box it and throw it off a cliff somewhere. Hmm.....you'd think all that Alias watching would've have made me better at compartmentalizing. Apparently not. Soon after, I started noticing a bigger change. I did things I'd never done before. I said things and react in the most bizarre way. I was the opposite of me. I became the very person I'd hate. I became them.

Things I've always been sure about, I wasn't certain about anymore. And it was difficult to figure out where I was, where I stood and where I should've gone. What I wanted, or needed? Don't even go there....I just didn't know.

But I didn't give in. I resisted, as much as I could, trying to justify and rationalize every thought; what's good and what's bad, right and wrong. I resisted. And then came mid February and I met up with a good friend I've not seen for quite a while. During our conversation, we got to talking about life, friends and how hard things are at times. And without first realizing it, I started feeling better. It was almost like a knock on the head, really. That sudden realization that this problem I had, this pain, is not the only problem in the world. Others have it tough too, if not worse. So it took away this anxiety, this, constant 'why me, why now' questions I've been focusing so much on asking. and it made my heart lighter. At least for a bit.

By the time March arrived, I was feeling a lot better. The pain had almost been lifted in its entirety, with only some trace left, small enough to ignore. Being around good friends and family helped a lot. Celebrations didn't hurt too :P

As the month progressed, I felt no more pain. It was hard to believe, really. There were times when I tried to dig in, trying to see if I could feel it again somewhere in there, but it was gone. I wasn't complaining.....it's just that....for it to just be gone completely, when only weeks before, it was the only constant thing I felt. It was....surreal.

Several more things took place between April and June, some good, some not so good. But the year seemed to be getting fine again.....with only occasional sighting of dark shadows (no, I'm not talking about ghost guys, so stop there).

Now, in the mid year, I'm back to the me I know. Things are more in place than out. Things are good. Things are fine. I'm back and I'm happy.

But my perspective has changed, somewhat. For good.

Of here and now

Someone I know quoted Oprah yesterday -

"I believe that there's almost no situation that I can't handle, and it is whatever it is. I can just sort of meld into whatever that moment is. I believe in staying present, staying now, dealing with that and not worrying about what is to come."

While there may be situations which I can't exactly handle, it's that third sentence that really caught my attention. I do tend to over-think things at times. ANALyze, if you will. And it's funny (read:tragic) how your mind keeps moving towards the bad side of things, when you think too much about it (and I should really know this already, I was taught NEVER to analyze, back in the direct selling days).

So now I'm reminded that I need to stay in the present. Stay here, and now. And do what's right, right now. And see how it goes from there to the next day, and then to the next, and then to the ..(well you get the idea).

And if it doesn't work, I'll analyze it some more. Oops! That's thinking about it eh? No,no.....I shall have none of that.

I suppose then it's a good thing that I can still tell right from wrong, good from bad.

Thanks to Chris for sharing the quote, when he did.

Of the mind and the human heart

Our minds tell us what's logical, reasonable, what's right and what's wrong. It projects strings of courses and its probable consequences, giving us the knowledge of choices. The mind also picks best-of options and steer us towards it, remaining faithful to basic ideology of righteousness. A sound mind empowers us to create and innovate, deduce and multiply, correct and enhance, and it does so with black and white. Right and wrong. Logical and irrational. So as long as we stay sane, our minds keep us safe, right? Wrong.

Enters the human heart. The essence of being. More spiritual than science. More intuitive than logical. It rights the wrongs and wrongs the rights. And it does so with full conviction. If the mind operates based on objectivity, the heart, well, the thing is, there's no explaining the human heart. Nothing I found conclusive anyway. Except for one; It wants what it wants.

Hence the predicament; should we let our minds chart the course or should we allow our heart's intuition to steer us? The obvious answer to that would be to strike a balance between both.

But then again, that's pretty much the answer to everything isn't it?

Of family, new and old

I come from a moderately-small family. I have 3 other siblings, 1 elder brother and 2 elder sisters. And me. That makes me youngest of age, biggest of size :P My mom, however, came from a much smaller family. She only has 1 other sibling - her younger sister, or 'sis' as she always calls her. I enjoy listening to my mom's stories about her younger days, though some of them are rather sad. You see, my mom had to quit school when she was 10 years old. She quit so that she could work and earn enough money, so that her sis could go to school. Such sacrifice. I see my mom's eyes light up whenever she tells me those stories of what she and her sis used to do when they were kids, getting into trouble and all. These stories always only have 2 characters in it, cos they're not allowed to mix around with other kids much, if not at all. And I can tell that she loves her sis deeply, and that they were really close. After all, they only have each other.

Until one day, her sis told her that she had found her real family. Apparently, my mom and her sis were both adopted by my grandparents when they were babies, and that they came from different families. My mom's sis was very excited to have finally found her true family and as she talks about them, she'd say things like my brother, my that, my this, my sis. My SIS. My mom was heartbroken, cause to her, she's her only sis in her life. But such is life. One's happiness doesn't always guarantee the same for another.

I've asked my mom once, whether she have thoughts about her real family. She said no, and that her family is the family she grew up with, even if her sis feels otherwise. I had tears in my eyes.

That was many years ago. About 2 weeks ago, however, I was shocked to hear from my brother that my mom has just met her real brother, her elder brother in Kuala Kurau, a place we used to go to during Raya, when I was much younger. This came as a shock to me because I had no idea that my mom was looking for her real family. When I spoke with my mom the other day, she sounded really happy, and I am happy for her. As it turns out, my mom comes from a family of 9 siblings. 9! Not 2, but 9!! I wonder how my mom feels about that. And while I'm still getting used to the idea of the new found brother, my mom has now met up with her younger sister! I have to say that I had many questions as to how my mom found out about her real family, and there's this big 'what if' at the back of my mind, you know, kinda questioning 'how do we really know?'............but I felt overwhelmed with emotion when I saw photos of my mom and her sis taken at dinner by my brother. There's a striking resemblance between them two. I do not know any better but I find myself believing that they are indeed sisters. I had tears in my eyes.

Now, I have yet to see my mom face-to-face since I heard the news of her meeting her brother. And I'm dying to talk and hear her talk about it, but I am away in JB now for work, and will be here till the 18th. But from the sound of it, she's happy. And that's all I want for her.

I love you mom.

Of what, when and where, 10 years ago

I was having dinner at Mid Valley with several friends, some of whom I was meeting for the first time, when a question was asked around the table - "Where were you and what were you doing 10 years ago?". My answer was "10 years ago, I was working here, in Mid Valley, at the Starbucks outlet on the ground floor".

Long after all of us left Mid Valley that night, the question kept playing in my head. And so I started thinking about events that happened in the year 2000. Here is what I remember:

In January, I was the Store Manager of #005 Mid Valley. My Shift Supervisors were Uzir and Angie. After several months, we were joined by Steven, Salleh and Andy, who later took my place, when I became a District Manager.

Back then, I rode a Honda EX-5 and boy, what a ride it was! I could go pretty much anywhere in town within 15 minutes! Well except for Klang Parade...that ride took an hour. And it gave me a numbed ass. LOL!!!

I was sharing a townhouse with 2 other housemates here in Ampang (and have moved twice , but in Ampang still). We had friends coming over almost every night and it was fun!

In the year 2000, I lost my beloved red Marlboro jacket - one of the most expensive items I had ever owned back then. My mom bought me the jacket, for me to wear when I ride back to Kuala Kangsar on my bike, which never happened - I would either take the bus or hitch a ride with my brother in his car. hehehe). Hmmm......in retrospect, maybe that's why I lost it! :P

Somewhere in that year, a divider at the traffic light near my house moved all of a sudden when I was riding by and so I fell and then lost my memory for the rest of the day - but that's a whole other post on its own, so moving on!

The year 2000 was also the starting point for me being comfortable with my body size and weight. Prior to that, I always wanted to be thin, because I thought I'd be happier. Of course, everybody can tell that that's not the case with me now. Cos I laugh and eat all the time! And I'm not exactly thin :)

Something else happened that year, something I'm eternally grateful for. But now's not the time to be talking about it. yet.

So that's about it, really. Those are major highlights ten years ago.

And 10 years from now, I'll blog about major events of 2010, kalau dipanjangkan umur, insyaallah.

Of truth, acceptance and holding on

On most weekends, when I wake up in the morning (or afternoon :P) and leave the bedroom, I normally go to the couch and put on a dvd. It's almost like a ritual snooze moment before I get to starting my day. Only I'm awake and not still in bed.

Today, I put on Shrink starring Kevin Spacey. One of the quotes on the cover states "Spacey's best performance since Swimming with Sharks". Normally, all these quotes wouldn't account for much, we all know that, especially when I didn't even see Swimming with Sharks, but since it is, after all, Kevin Spacey, I expected the movie to be quite good. And it was.

Spoilers alert!

The story touches on the darker aspects of life - death of a loved one, the struggle of those left behind, drug addiction and an uninspired writer to name a few. The story unravels at a slow pace but it had some really good scenes and moments.

It highlights that when faced with so much grief, we often do not want to acknowledge the truth. or to even know the truth. Cos you feel it in your heart that it is ugly and sad. And so what good will it do to you? So you stall. You tell yourself "When I'm good and ready, when it's time, I'll open it. I'll find out." Only you have no idea when that will be. Heck, you don't even wanna know when you'll know.

So you focus on things that make you feel good. Things that calm you down. Things that could have you so focused that you stop thinking of everything else. Things that make the world go silent. And as long as you can keep doing this, everything else is off less importance.

And if, you stumble upon anyone whom you feel you could trust and confide in, and feel safe with, then you just might give in a little. Especially when you feel that they've gone through something similar and therefore could relate to how you're feeling. At the very least, you're not alone.

So.....when you finally find the spot where you start to feel safe, loved and worthy of it again, you'll find acceptance. You'll find the courage to face the truth, even if it breaks your heart all over again. Because deep down in your heart, you know, that you can't keep holding on to the past. And yes, it'll never go away. It'll only be easier, in time.

Well that's what you hope for anyway.

Of making friends, losing them and missing games

I haven't written in a while. Been meaning to, but could never get my fingers to tap on the right keys. I'd call it a writer's block, except, I'm not a writer. So let's just settle for good ol' lazyness.

Over the last few months, a lot has taken place. I've discovered that I had to give up one thing or another. It's not easy, but then, life never is. The ground rules in the real world is never like the ones you set in class. So, while I make new friends, I had to let some go :(

I also went through an angry phase. I was really mad towards certain party's behaviors, in retrospect. But I've calmed down since. But the feeling is not all lost......just laying dormant for now......waiting.

On a lighter-but-still-not-happy note, I've been missing my badminton game for the most part of the year. Not good! Not good at all! It started with the elbow injury / torn muscle thing, and then made worse by my work trips, which will continue till year end. So I suppose by the time I pick that racket of mine up again, it'll be post new year toast. It's so depressing.

I need a hug.......

Of balance, ownership and aliens

I always feel that life has a lot to do with balance.

You gotta balance work with personal life, balance the time spent among people you love, balance your hands on - hands off approach, balance your jokes with your values, balance your addiction to certain things, balance your decisions to always reach a win-win situation, balance your personal thoughts with your sense of professionalism, etc, etc.

It's not easy, but it's a constant requirement.

There are many things that could tip off the balance and ownership is one of them. When you feel that you want to own certain things, processes, responsibilities or success, it drives you to the desired result. That's when the lines of balance get smudged and crooked. It's not about your job - my job anymore, it's more of "what we need to do to get things right".

And that is often where I get into trouble.

When the total balance thingy is screwed, it brings consequences. Feelings change, doubts are raised, emotions are evoked, perspectives flipped over. And sometimes, it can also change your form of existence. You may no longer be a homo-sapient. You take on a totally new form. You become an alien.

When you're an alien, well.............................................then EVERYTHING CHANGES.

Life and Chains

I saw the movie Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans for the second time the other day. It was still awesome and it drew my attention to this:

LIFE & CHAINS; You can't have one without the other. The line was uttered by Victor when he demanded respect from Lucian for giving him life.

"How true" - I said to myself. I mean freedom is sought at so many levels in our life and how many of us out there can truly claim that we have total freedom in our hands? Sure, as adults we are free to do many things, but can you really do every single thing your heart desires? Whenever your want? Wherever you want? For as long as you want? I know I can't.

• There are words I wanna say, but I won't.
• There are challenges I long to do, but I won't.
• There are things I wanna change, but I can't.
• There are experiences I wanna share, but I can't.
• There are ideas I wish to put forth, but I'm scared.
• There are things I shouldn't be scared of, but I am.

So while I embrace the freedom I have as an individual, I long for the rights I'm entitled to for being human.